PLEASE don’t tell me to “Cheer up”. And no, “just think positive thoughts” isn’t going to work either. These are just a few examples of why I wish depression was called something else.
Most people don’t realize that there’s more to depression than just sadness and crying. It’s a hell of a lot more. These are just a few descriptions that come to mind:
Emptiness – Sometimes I feel as if everything has been drained from me. Every emotion that I have ever felt is gone. I have nothing to give because there’s nothing left inside me. I feel hollow, like a shell of a person.
Indifference – Sometimes I don’t think positive OR negative thoughts. Whatever happens, happens. It honestly doesn’t matter either way.
Drowning – Some days I feel like I have this beat, only to be pulled back under. The desperate flailing of arms and legs is what’s going on in my brain and it’s tiring. Very tiring. There are days when my head is barely above water.
Exhaustion – Where do I even begin with this one? I’m mentally exhausted. I’m physically exhausted. I’m just plain tired. But unfortunately this isn’t the kind of tired where I can just catch up on my sleep. I could sleep for 24 hours and I’d still be tired. Depression does something to the brain where it’s impossible to feel awake. Picture a time when you went on only a few hours of sleep for several nights. Welcome to my world.
Brain fog – The brain fog makes me look like a blithering idiot. The best way to describe it is when you have the flu and can’t move from bed. You know how you can’t think or process anything? That “out of it” feeling? That’s me every day and there’s nothing I can do to shake it.
Blankness – Sometimes I don’t feel anything and when I look in the mirror I see a completely flat affect staring back at me.
Detached – I see the world going on around me. I’d like to join everyone, but can’t. Somedays it’s because I have no energy, other days it’s because I just don’t care. Everything seems muted. I feel like I’m in one of those hamster balls, wanting desperately to get out. I’m banging on the plastic but no one hears me. It’s like being in my own little prison and it sucks.
Inability to focus – Sometimes I’m unable to concentrate or focus on anything. Reading is impossible because all I see are words, absolutely no comprehension. Watching TV is sometimes impossible as well. I just zone out and have no interest in the show. I often walk around aimlessly because that takes no concentration at all.
Irritability – With everything mentioned above, no wonder I’m irritable. I am so frustrated with myself because this is NOT how I want to be.
I’m not writing this in hopes of making you feel sorry for me. I’m explaining it because my depression doesn’t just make me feel “sad”. If depression was called any of these things (or a combination), maybe it would be better understood and accepted.